Sunday, October 29, 2006
MMM..Don't know what has happened to me. Got into a massive bloodshed yeaterday. Juz needed the feeling. Sadistic, painful, messy....yet it seems nothing to me. All my thoughts fall into apathy. No feeling whatsoever. How wonderful, just imagine a world with no feelings. Everyone was so straight, no thoughts of sadness,anger,love,hatred,jealousy,happiness,guilt. Just eclecticistic forces streaming through the viens of each and every individual. What a fantasy. If only that was true, there wouldn't be any hurt in this world. Its much better than having magic. But its no use living in this world of fantasy anymore. Eventually the truth must be faced. No one can hide from it. Even if they die before they do, they would die knowing it. Nobody can run from it.
Thinking about this makes me feel like a person with major problems to deal with. But i don't pity myself. That's just being fucking stupid. Just think about it, there are many other people in this world who face much bigger problems than me. And they don't even have a bloody blog to write it down on. All they have is thier heart where they store all thier worries. That's very hard. Cause one the days, would be thier last to worry on. Its so sad.
Just as musicians express thier feelings through thier music, i think my music would break me down. Well it already has even without me playing music. So what's the point of using music as a path anymore. It does help me i have to admit. But to what degree. There is only so much i can express, until my fingers bleed with my guitar on my shoulders. Like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me. Just seeing the blood slowly seeping out of my finger nails, smoothly flowing down my fingers and arms. Blood thick and red, so tempting yet so dangerous. The viens pulsating even more fluid, time and time again. Feel your heart slowly beating away drip by drip. Taste so rich; ruby's. No misconception brought about by the feeling of slow death. If only i could slowly bleed my life away like this. Now that would be a real fantasy for me.....
got fucked at.. 8:50 PM
