Sunday, April 20, 2008
No More..I've been feeling so fucked lately..This feling really sucks. Its like i keep thinking of what the hell is gonna happen in the future. Well actually i kinda have a good reason for that. There is sop much of questions that is to answered. And the fact that i'm not even getting a clue is killing me inside so slowly that i think i'm decomposing even before dying. That's fucked, cause given the choice, i would rather die. But i can't, that's the bloody problem.
But then i realized, its really of no use if i just keep reasons to excuse my feelings. No matter how true the can be, they are still excuses. There is no point in trying to find excuses to support your feelings. Cause in actual fact, you're actually making your feelings worst everytime. the problem with me is that, that is exactly what i'm doing. Now aint that fucked up. I know... Don't bother complaining about it now. That's why i'm gonna stop. Stop everything. Go back to the attitude that i had before. I realized something about army.
Alot of people say that Army makes a man more hard on the inside, especially less caring towards others and all. Then again these are just rumours. I feel that Army actually makes a guy more sensitive towards what he feels. Its the fact that he faces problems within life in Army that makes him more aware of them. As a result, he tends to embrace them and tries to find ways of curing them. People might not actually realize it, but this is form of sensitivity by itself. The fact that a person actually feels a need to change the way he feels about something shows that he actually cares more about it then he thinks. But that's just life in Army. What if, just what if, a person tries to balance out he internal and external feelings. Now wouldn't that be a bummer. Why? Maybe because its much much harder. Firstly he has to identify it, then think about it, especially seeing if it worth all his trouble. But that's just the easy part. He has to talk. Now that's where the difficulty arises. Not much of who to talk to, but more of what to talk about. The person may even have a hard time saying out his problems. Why? cause he only recognises it in his heart and mind, but not as an external influence. In other words, he has no clue what it is about. But then again it does. At this point most of you would be probably thinking that i'm talking utter rubbish. And i don't blame you. But if you were the person that i have been talking about all this time, you probably would agree with me. In fact, you would totally understand what the hell i'm trying to say.
This is not stress, and certainly is not depression. So that's one worry of the chart. Maybe it can be related to paranoia, but i wouldn't say much. But then again, i might not be right at all, hey i'm not even a psychologist. But one thing i do know is that what i just said is totally true at least for me. Some of you may not agree with me, and some of you might even want to spit on me(figuratively speaking). But I know that some of you who have just read this might actually relate to me. And that's not a good thing in case wondering. This aint something to be happy about.
But let me stress out a point that i've just realized after quite awhile. In my case, i have someone very special to me. Who really means alot me, whom i wanna be with for the rest of my life. She means more than anything to me and nothing is ever gonna change that i can proudly and confidently say. It is actually because of her that i'm actually standing right now. If not, I wouldn't even be writing this. all the stuff i've mentioned above, it all becomes very unreasonable after awhile. Especially after it starts to affect someone you dearly care about. Whether directly or indirectly, she feels it. And that breaks my heart. Not only because it isn't fair, but mainly because she wants to go through everything that i'm going through. In the process, she gets hurt so much. Nobody and i mean nobody who has anybody as special as she is to me would ever be able to take that.
So this is a stand i'm taking. I might not be able to solve all my problems now. i might not be even able to get over it easily. But the fact is that there is someone out there who understands and is willing to go through with me. So i'm going to stop. I'm going back to the way i was before. Fuck the world. Just do what i have to do and carry with life. Only jumping along every hurdle as i reach it and not any sooner. It might be harder later in life. But i'm not scared about that. Because i know that i have someone to help me along the way. So i am confident. So my baby, this is my promise to you. I may take awhile, it may be hard for me to get back to the way i was before. But i promise you that i will change back to the same old baked potatoe i was before. That will be my promise. And you will always have my heart forever. I love you my marshmellow..
