Sunday, October 29, 2006
MMM..Don't know what has happened to me. Got into a massive bloodshed yeaterday. Juz needed the feeling. Sadistic, painful, messy....yet it seems nothing to me. All my thoughts fall into apathy. No feeling whatsoever. How wonderful, just imagine a world with no feelings. Everyone was so straight, no thoughts of sadness,anger,love,hatred,jealousy,happiness,guilt. Just eclecticistic forces streaming through the viens of each and every individual. What a fantasy. If only that was true, there wouldn't be any hurt in this world. Its much better than having magic. But its no use living in this world of fantasy anymore. Eventually the truth must be faced. No one can hide from it. Even if they die before they do, they would die knowing it. Nobody can run from it.
Thinking about this makes me feel like a person with major problems to deal with. But i don't pity myself. That's just being fucking stupid. Just think about it, there are many other people in this world who face much bigger problems than me. And they don't even have a bloody blog to write it down on. All they have is thier heart where they store all thier worries. That's very hard. Cause one the days, would be thier last to worry on. Its so sad.
Just as musicians express thier feelings through thier music, i think my music would break me down. Well it already has even without me playing music. So what's the point of using music as a path anymore. It does help me i have to admit. But to what degree. There is only so much i can express, until my fingers bleed with my guitar on my shoulders. Like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me. Just seeing the blood slowly seeping out of my finger nails, smoothly flowing down my fingers and arms. Blood thick and red, so tempting yet so dangerous. The viens pulsating even more fluid, time and time again. Feel your heart slowly beating away drip by drip. Taste so rich; ruby's. No misconception brought about by the feeling of slow death. If only i could slowly bleed my life away like this. Now that would be a real fantasy for me.....
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
WOOTT!!!!I MADE IT TO J2!!!!!!!!..Thank god, i was so damm bloody scared la...Tossing and turning the night before. Kept thinking about my results, if i was promoted or retained. Well it was a big relieve for me when i asked my teacher. Could see that my classmates were happy for me. Hell, i was freakin happy for myself. Nevertheless, its a blessing to have these kinda friends. But we were still very worried for two people who didn't make it. They were asked to leave. What could be worst. And i'm not being sarcastic here. i really feel for those dudes. One i know since a very young, the other still a good friend of mine. Well hope they get what they want. If there was anything i could do to help them, believe me i would. But sad enough i cant.
Anyway after the whole happy part of the day had floated away slowly, we had to listen to THE kok talk. Aight i might admit it wasn't that bad, seeing the fact that i was thinking about other stuff and suffering from tremendous head-splitting, vein-bursting, eyeball-popping headaches. And i'm not exaggerating.
Later, i just had to go through something which bloody hell spoiled my day even further. My CCA kakis were asking me and the chinaboy to go for CCA. But we already explained to the we were gonna see the VP to discuss about the new CCA we were creating. So since we had some time left, we decided to just pop in for awhile. I wouldn't even say ten minutes, we had more important stuff to attend to. Later in the evening, some fella called me up and asked me if i had stolen any guitar strings from the god damm cupboard. Ok there was two freakin big problems with this theory. Firstly, I didn't where the fuck the bloody the strings were in the bloody place. See it was in a new room so i didn't know shit about it. Heck, i didnt know where the bloody room was. The second thing was that i was in the fucking room for barely ten minutes, and these motherfuckers still dare ask me if i took any strings. Bloody hell the stupid room was so fucking filled with people la. If i would have somehow opened a cupboard or drawer to take something, someone should have seen me right?????
Anyway that's not the point. Asking me is fine, cause they would have to confirm somehow. But repeatedly askin only me if i had taken it and not anyone else is just not right. In others words, thier trying to delibrately put the fucking blame on me and try to make me admit it. They even said thier gonna suspect the fella i was sitting next to in the room...That's like totally WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? Come on man, even if i did take it, i wouldn't sink so low as to let someone else take the blame for me. I have my own dignity. What the fuck do you guys take me for??
I'm freaking pissed over this matter. I might be jocial and friendly most of the time, but don't come and fucking give me this crap of blaming people without even any proper evidence. I don't play that game. So yall better not play with me with all this shit. Cause i don't play it back fair, period....
Sunday, October 22, 2006
SUNDAY!!!!Woke up bright and early again today... yea what else is new. Brought my brother to church for catechism class. Slept in the auditorium sia, damm quiet and peaceful. Went back home and got ready to go out again. Went to meet my PW group to do PW...lol...DUH!! Went all the way to parkway to meet them.
Waited there like some bloody ass for half an hour. Always wanted to go late, but always end up reaching damm early..shitzzz.....Anyway we went to oli's house, met pam there. Freakin big house and freakin shiok environment with 7 freakin big swimming pools with a freakin good view and freakin shiok wind la.....In total, it was just freakin shiok!!! She's damm bloody rich i swear. She had 2 dogs, one fatfat, i think its name was odi or something. Pam was super scared at 1st, but later got better and started callin it names like greedy and fat and all. But most of the time screaming when the dogs jumped.
Roshan was another idiot...Here's his traumatizing story. He went outside to take out his socks cause pam asked him to. No one ever goes against her.....The idiot went inside the stairway, dunno why, and the door locked behind him...He coudn't get out cause it was auto-lock(security purposes) So he went down every floor from the 8th and tried all the doors. At last got out at the 1st floor. When he went out, he coudn't get in. So he was stuck and he said he went to ask the guards some shit and all...started trying to press buttons all over. After awhile we realized that idiot was missing la..so i got the card key(cool key) and went down to find him outside the door trying to press some stupid combination like some bloody assole. It was the funniest picture you could imagine la. After getting him back up, he talked about it all day long. Guess it was damm traumatizing for him....I had my share of freakin hellaofalot of laughs. Bloody hell today was shi0k la..
Then before leaving, me and roshan had a quick chill near the poolside, the bloody wind was bloody shiok...bloody shiok place sia..i wish lived there....
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Another Day PassesWoke up quite early today.Dunno why. Took a damm cold shower, I died la but it was so shiok. Woke me right up. Went to do the rest of my PW. This bloody PW is the worst, most irritating thing i ever done in my life i swear. Especially with the world's most fucked up teacher. OOOHH...everytime i even think about her, something makes me wanna tear someones head off...ERRR....Anyway i don't wanna spoil my saturday thinking about some no good bitchy ass piece of shit.
Listening to some chinese song now..Dunno the name, but it has one very nice bass solo. Gonna jam that with yi chen one of these days. Quite surprising, never really heard a chinese song with that kind of solo before. Arms freakin pain now sia. Dunno what the hell i did...Aches all over. Woke up just now, felt like someone had tortured me the night before.
I would say i'm feeling better though...I think i'm finally learning to except life as it is. What comes will come,what goes will go, what happens will happen. No doubt in that. Its just how we handle the situations that vary. That affects the outcome. Hoping is not enough, if we want something badly, we have to go all the way to make sure we get it no matter what. In the end, what matters is that we get what we wanted. There would be repercussions though. Might not be for the person himself, but for someone else who could have been indirectly affected. Well thats the sadest case. That person will just have to live gratefully with what they have. These people would be blessed though. To live through life knowing what you want but not getting it is much harder than it sounds. They should be rewarded. They have the will to carry on no matter what. For this, i sincerely respect these people. They have an aspect in life that i wish i'm strong enough to have.....
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Good NewsGuess what people...I PASSED MY TAMIL!!!!!!!!!!...shocking news right? Ya i know. I was also damm shocked la. For those who think that this is no big deal, well it is to me la. You see, the thing is i never really passed tamil from secondary 1. So i took B language from sec 3. Then now, i'm taking normal tamil, and i passed it. So you see, this is a fucking long-winded explanation but who cares. I PASSED!!!...
Anyway, another good news today. I think i'm starting to feel much better now. Well at least i hope that's what i'm feeling. Cause you see, I reallized that what i actually wanted wanted had actaully come true. Well, maybe not like i how had expected. Nevertheless, it is still working. My heart still aches though, but i know that something good is coming out from it.I coudn't have done a better job myself. That's enough for me. I hope i get better, much sooner..... At least i would be peace for the holidays. Don't have to die too early. I guess my light is becoming better. Well, that's what i hope. Life goes on.......
Sunday, October 15, 2006
 | You scored as Stoner. Hahah! You stupid druggie!
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Another sian day for another sian life.....It just dosen't seem to end. Well i wish it does, very very soon. Nothing really happy to blog about. I find that i'm not really the happy person i used to be. So much of problems.... Dosen't really add up to happy thoughts....Well at least i feel so much better when i'm together with my friends..They have this kind of effect that makes you not want to care about anything but having fun. At this moment of time, I cherish this type of feeling so....
On the contrary, there's always this little weight in my chest, pulling me down further and further away as the days go by. I feel that it is only getting worst. The boulder on my shoulder is getting heavier and harder to hold. I feel like my neck is breaking. I wonder if i should just give up, or should i just try to live up to the expections of the world. Not easy....People think they have so much of problems, and i believe them. But they think the outspoken ones are so problem-free.... In actual fact, they are dying a slow painful death inside. One muscle tearing away from another so slowly, the pain is eternal. With noone to turn to, talk to or even look at.
What can they do.... Nothing. They can't do nothing. What do you expect them to do. They've already lost so much, they've got nothing better to lose. Ahah....u see, i feel i'm somewhat similar to them. but only, i've got something to lose. I cannot afford that cause its so important to me. Its killin me inside but thats what i practically live on....Well, i cant do anything about it, for now at least. Hopefully one day...yea...Till then ill just sit my drunk ass on that fuckin railway and just watch the clouds go by. Cause thats all i can do right now.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
FUCK MAN!!!!Friday was one of the worst fuckiest day i had in my life man....aiyoh...ok, at least it started alright in the morning. BUT, later in the afternoon, became worst..never seemed to get better.dammit.It all started because of one fucking short, fucked up piece of muthafuckin ass excuse for a stupid fuckidy teacher called GAN LEE SUAN!!
OOHH boy, juz tellin the name makes me wanna rip someones head of...That bloody short fuck waited for every group to hand in their written report,,,buuuuutt only my group got special treatment. She said she wouldn't wait any longer for our group to hand in the papers. And all we had left was to just print out in colour. Well you know what. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!! Yea, you can suck my cock for all i care u bloody dwarf fuck. I wound't piss on fire to save ur goddam life bitch..yea heard that..If your reading this, i am NOT SORRY at all...Cause i mean every single thing i say here....So don't you dare even expect an attempt of an apology from me. Cause by god's will you wund't get it even if the world depended on it.
Phew!! that shit helped...had to just get it all out...found no other way than my blog. Sorry for all the people i deeply offended...i coudn't tell this to anyone's face, so i just had to find another way to do it. That bloody gan can really do damage man. I mean she even made my VERY INNOCENT, i repeat ,innocent friends speak vulgarities...
I guess she that kind of natural ability in her..oh well, who can blame her...its gan..
Anyway, i would specially like to mentione a few significant people in my blog today. THEY ARE:::::: Fides, Jonny, Jacq, Gayne..... I would just like to say that my group and I are very very..and i mean very grateful for all ya help..Thanks alot guys, we woudn't have been able to finish our WR without your help. So again, thanks for all your help. I'm sure im speaking on behalf my group when I say this. Signin off....
Thursday, October 12, 2006
NO MORE....I finally found somethin to ease the pain inside. I bite the inside of my mouth till blood gushes out...the pain inflicted causes me to stop thinking about everything around. I embrace this pain. I drown into my own world where nothing exists. No man, no animal, and especially no feelings. All into a black hole drawn from within myself. Self-inflicted mortal wounds, so bloody, so terrible, so destructive...
Never within my own soul will i ever feel anything from this. I devour the bread that i seek within my own. No more thoughts, no more feelings, no more memories. Just the present day as it stands... This i what i do to myself when i feel like shit. I discovered this only yesterday.
I found out the truth about something i didnt wish to know about. It coudn't be helped. It was right in front of me,literally. If only i can let it all out here. But i can't. If i did, it would only mean more problems..which i don't think would be easy to solve at all. Especially loking at the situation. Damm big contradition isnt it. Started a blog to express all my feelings, yet, i can't even give a clue about this. What's the point. Even if i did, it wouldn't help at all. Besides, not quite ready to go public yet. Maybe one day, but certainly not now.....
Anyway yesterday had some CCA exchange program called 'palette'.... I found it a damm big waste of time. Naufal, me and the chinaboy just slacked the whole goddam way....Nothin to do..Well we learnt some taekwondo skills(self-defence only)...Oh yea, we also performed Who's David by Busted as McFlee to the rockclimbing and taekwondo dudes...well that was quite fun. The rest was just plain old boring. After the whole thing, we had photo taking...dumbest phototaking i ever had in my life. What a place to choose for a class photo, the track...O.o"""Anyway, since that shitty day was over, had nothing else to do..just went back home and slept for awhile before waking up to do the GODDAMMMMM PW!!!! How i wish pw would finish fast.. Getting sick and tired of it...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
SIAN EH.....Ok 1st things 1st.. one of my friends has told me that i use too much vulgar laguage, she has advised me to stop using so much...well this i what i can tell her...sorry dear, for using so much to offend you...its just that its kinda hard to stop after using it as a normal vocabular function since primary 3....but nevermind ill try limiting myself i promise...
Since thats over...By right, im suppose to be in school now doing some extra MOE mother tougue exam thingy. But im not, so what....I find the whole thing a really dumb idea..you see, this exam was introduced by the MOE...MT students are supppose to do an 'ANCHOR EXAM' of the original A lvls...but the thing is, we won't be able to know how we faired..not even of we passed or failed, so can i ask yall something..What's the bloody point?!?!?!? Its a freaking big waste of time la..Especially when i can wake up late and not go to school..
Speaking about school, i thought that after exams it would all be over at least for a little while. BUT, NOOOOOOO......its not...its worst!!! Got this CCA shit and all going on, i guess there is no such thing as holiday in jc. Well i shoudn't complain. I chose to go jc, so i might as well make the best out of it as much as i can. Complaining would only waste precious studying time. Yup, (STUDYING TIME). From the new year onwards, hopin that i make it to j2, i will start getting ready for A's... think of it as an early new years resolution. I don't plan to waste 2 years of my life for nothing. See, i got it all figured out. After uni, i would go on ahead to pursue a degree in music.(My Dream). But not really sure where yet. Maybe Griffith in Auzzi. Don't know. Ill see it when the time comes...Anyway im gonna practice my bass now, so peace out homies.....
Sunday, October 08, 2006
OH WELL.....Just woke up. Don't know why so early. Coudn't sleep la......
I guess another day total uninterrupted sian-ness for me again..haha..kinda used to it anyway. Later maybe gonna gte some tamil compo book from my friend to copy for homework. YES!!! You heard me right...HOMEWORK!!!!! i mean what the hell, seriously la..its after promos for all you dumbasses out there!!! Once properly translated, it means NO HOMEWORK . Aiya anyway this is jc. So i guess the meaning for everythin has somewhat changed for the worst. No use crying over spilled milk anyway.. Speaking of milk, just realized ive not drank my daily dose of coffee yet..nope. This is not good. I think thats why i feel like my brains gonna explode or something. Anyway i still have to wait for my mom to wake up, coz she start saying i messed uped the kitchen.....blah blah blah....yada yada yada..... I just listen, don't really give a damn. If i did, i woudn't be here now..would be somewhere in IMH.
HAH. From now on i feel like putting in a song dedication on my blog. so every week, lyrics of the weeks favourit-est song would be posted. This is just somethin i wanna do coz you know why??? I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO....yup thas it... So todays most favouritestestegest song will be....
Walking On The Sun-Smashmouth
It ain't no joke I'd like to buy the world a toke
And teach the world to sing in perfect harmony
And teach the world to snuff the fires and the liars
Hey I know it's just a song but it's spice for the recipe
This is a love attack I know it went out but it's back.
It's just like any fad it retracts before impact
And just like fashion it's a passion for the with it and hip
If you got the goods they'll come and buy it just to stay in the clique
[Chorus:]
So don't delay act now supplies are running out
Allow if you're still alive six to eight years to arrive
And if you follow there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer is shun you might as well be walkin' on the sun
Twenty-five years ago they spoke out and they broke out
Of recession and oppression and together they toked
And they folked out with guitars around a bonfire
Just singin' and clappin' man what the hell happened
Then some were spellbound some were hellbound
Some they fell down and some got back up and
Fought back 'gainst the melt down
And their kids were hippie chicks all hypocrites
Because fashion is smashin' the true meaning of it
[Repeat Chorus]
It ain't no joke when a mama's handkerchief is soaked
With her tears because her baby's life has been revoked
The bond is broke up so choke up and focus on the close up
Mr. Wizard can't perform no godlike hocus-pocus
So don't sit back kick back and watch the world get bushwhacked
News at 10:00 your neighborhood is under attack
Put away the crack before the crack puts you away
You need to be there when your baby's old enough to relate
[Repeat Chorus]
Saturday, October 07, 2006
o_O Guy Confessions O_o[x] I have watched.......
[ ] I have played/cheated on a girl
[x] Ive slept naked
[x] I play video games
[x] I wear boxers to bed
[ ] Ive thrown rocks @ a girls window
[x] Ive drank because I felt like it
[x] I still beat my buddies up
[ ] Of course they never beat me up
[i wish ] I drive a truck/SUV
[x] My friends and I make fun of each other...alot
[ ] I drive some type of car
[x] I have a job--->official assole
[ ] I currently have a girlfriend
[ ] My girlfriend is better than yours
[x] I think about girls/my girl
[x] Girls are complicated, to the MAX degree
[x] Im .......... friendly? hell yea i am
[ ] Ive forgotten to return a phone call to a girl...or a few
[x] Not all guys are the same Im one of the different ones
[x] Id do anything for my girl/a girl
[ ] I tend to be shy around girls
[ ] I act like an ass on purpose-->its natural for me
[ ] I've been flashed before
[x] Ive seen the Rocky Horror picture show
[x] I play hard to get
[ ] I aspire to one day become like the guys in Old School
[ ] Im not in love
[ ] Ive honked at a girl going down the road
[x] I've hit on a girl in public
[ ] I've gotten wood in class
[ ] I've asked a hot girl for her number that I just met
[x] Ive acted like a man ........
[ ] Angelina Jolie is hot
[x] Pamela Anderson is hotter
[ ] Sports over-rule everything else
[x] I like rock music
[x] I like rap music
[ ] Ive been expelled
[x] Ive gotten detention
[x] Cheerleaders are hot-->oh yea!!!
[ ] I have a tattoo--->soon
[ ] Ive gotten road head
[ ] I smoke entirely too much
[x] Im a virgin
[x] I respect what you have to say
[x] And yes I care how your day went =)
[x] Its not the external looks that matter its how you feel about yourself-->fuck hah
PROMOS OVER!!!!!!!
NO MORE STUDYIN!!!!!
Well for now at least..provided i get promoted la....sibeh sian....
Anyway im back to bloggin ppl!! juz got over the fuked study stress shit...although m still havin other stuf tats killing e inside...tearing my heart out and eating slowly. I promise yall im dyig a very slow and painfull death. Thats a fact. Well i dun care anymore. I cant be bothereed. Coz i noe life isnt aas easy as it sounds. ppl dun get wad they want, wad can they do??? kill themselves?? fuck killin....as if tats gonna help..shit.....tat will only make things worst for the ppl close to u.....Summin up all the points,,, seems theres nothin else any1 can do. Haizz...
ATTENTION!!!( If theres anyone out there who can me, then plzzz come forward. U might juz be wad i need right now.) Most of u peeps now tat i love metallica.. well read these pyrics carefully..its just two lines.. but not many people understand...
"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel,
Is just a freight train coming your way"
juz try summin up wad thee means...well at least it explains my current situation in life alot...that i can confirm..."Nothin else matters". Damm roght nothin else matters..My heads gona explode soon. Very soon infact..not really the type hu wans to be pushy anymr... Fuck the world and its game man...Fuck it....juz godammit fuck it......